Fuck These Benches

What are we doing?



DOUCHE – You guys, we’ve GOT TO do something about these homeless people!


DOUCHE – Yes! Not a day goes by, NOT A DAY when I’m walking out of the office and I don’t see some smelly, jobless hobo just SLEEPING on a park bench like it’s okay.  I can’t have my KIDS see something like that!  What am I supposed to do? Just EXPLAIN to my future-douche son the socioeconomic complexities that led to this member of our community sleeping on a park bench?!

THE MASSES – Heck no!  We hate talking to our kids!

DOUCHE – Right?!  So y’know what we should do to rectify this problem?  To get the hobos off the benches?

THE MASSES – Feed them?  Clothe them?  Rehabilitate and love them?

DOUCHE – Fuck no!  We’ll just put like a – I don’t know – a railing or something so that they can’t lay down. On the bench.

THE MASSES – A railing?

DOUCHE – Yeah.  In the middle.  So that they can’t like… get comfortable.

THE MASSES – And then where will the homeless person sleep?

DOUCHE – The ground or something!  Who cares?!  That’s not the point.  The point is that we won’t have to see them.


This is some passive-aggressive bullshit.


I hate it.

This is the opposite of helping.

This is anti-bird spikes for people.


Please please please.  Let’s not anti-human spike our outdoor furniture.  Please.

It’s a fucking public bench in a public park.  The only rule that should be in effect is First Come First Serve.  Someone’s sleeping on the bench?  You’re upset about it?  You wanted to sit there?  Well, shit.  I guess you should’ve got here earlier then, you fuck.

If you’re motivated enough to modify public spaces so that people can’t sleep in them, you’re motivated enough to get involved with the issue in a more constructive way.

Someone is sleeping on a bench in an outdoor park.  We can all agree that this is a problem, right?

So how do we get people to stop sleeping in outdoor parks, then? Hmm. Let’s brainstorm.

  • We could abolish outdoor parks.
  • We could kill all the homeless.
  • We could modify the benches so they become impossible to sleep on.
  • Ummmm.
  • I think I’m out.
  • Unless.
  • Nah.
  • Or wait.
  • I guess maybe…
  • No that’s silly.
  • Well.
  • Can you start the dramatic underscoring music, please?  Maybe something from The Dead Poets’ Society?
  • I guess we could better invest our resources into researching and understanding what leads people to homelessness in the first place.  We could give them access to counsellors, doctors, recovery professionals, job training workshops, adult education, employment and low-income housing.  We could get involved.  We could talk to people. Volunteer. Give money.  Write a letter.  Write a song.  Do anything!  We could start acting like we give a shit about those who were dealt a crap hand.

Because you know what? The thing where we anti-human park benches instead of extending a helping hand to our fellow man… is fucking embarrassing.

Like the great Canadian Red Green once said, “We’re all in this together”.


Seriously though.  Just get a job amiright?!

3 thoughts on “Fuck These Benches

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